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Caring for Your Aging Parents
The role reversal probably feels unnatural—the child taking care of the parent. It’s scary. The burden can be overwhelming. But the more prepared you are to handle a crisis—before one occurs—the better able you’ll be to deal with it.
Start Early – Waiting Doesn’t Make it Any Easier
The key is to start the discussions and the planning early, before an emergency arises. Knowing your parents’ wishes, their financial situation and concerns, making sure that all the necessary legal documents are up-to-date and in place will give everyone a greater sense of preparedness and peace of mind.
These are some of the most private areas of life, and most people are uncomfortable raising these issues with their parents. Most parents are equally uncomfortable sharing this information with their children. Many families simply avoid the subject altogether and hope that everything just works out. Unfortunately, this approach rarely works, and the consequences of denial and avoidance can be devastating–for both you and your parents. If you think talking to your parents about sensitive topics while they’re healthy is hard, imagine how much more difficult it could be if the conversation doesn’t begin until after a crisis hits. The point is—start the conversation early.
A Checklist to Get You Started
Ideally, these conversations should include the whole family—you, your parents, your siblings, and maybe a neutral third-party adviser to facilitate the discussion. You don’t need to know everything about your parents’ personal affairs, but here are some things you do need to know:
- Are their estate documents (including wills, trusts, and beneficiary information) current? When was the last time they were reviewed? Trigger events for reviewing these documents include marriage, divorce, births, and deaths within the family, as well as tax law changes.
- Do they have health and financial powers of attorney in place, and have the appointees been informed? Have they drafted a living will?
- Do they have adequate insurance coverages? What about Medicare, Medicaid, Medigap coverage, and long-term care insurance?
- Is their income adequate and stable? Are there various sources of income? If so, what are they? Make a list of all investments and account numbers, including bank accounts, CDs, IRAs, stocks and bonds. Do they anticipate needing financial help from you? How much?
- Where are all their important papers kept, and who has access to them? It may be a good idea for you to have copies of these documents, especially if you live at some distance from your parents.
- What do they want you to do in the event of an emergency? What do they not want you to do?
- Do you have a contact list of their attorney, doctors, and other advisers?
- What medications are they taking, and for what conditions? Who is their pharmacist? Make a list of all their medications, including over-the-counter drugs, as well as dosage amounts and instructions for taking them.
- Are their current living arrangements appropriate, or do other options need to be explored? Is living with you an option?
- What funeral or burial plans or wishes do they have?
- Do they have any special concerns they want you to know about?
Start small—don’t try to cover the whole list in one sitting. Make it clear that you’re not trying to take over their lives, but merely want to be as helpful as they want or need you to be. Once you have the communications flowing, it will be easier for both of you to continue the dialogue.
Planning Ahead
Even if your parents are currently able to continue living in their own home, that may change as they get older. Can their current home be modified to make it more livable as they age? Do they need help with housekeeping, grocery shopping and cooking, yard work, or transportation? If they can’t remain in their own home, would they prefer an assisted living facility in their own area, or one nearer you, or one of your siblings? Is living with you an option? If appropriate, request a formal assessment of their capabilities and needs, or ask their doctor to recommend a facility for a geriatric assessment.
Take Care of Yourself, Too
Don’t try to tackle all this by yourself. You will not be doing yourself or your parents any favors by trying to do this all alone. There is a world of support and guidance available by telephone, online, and in your community. There are people skilled in the business of elder care who can make this transition easier for all of you. Check out these websites for relevant articles, resources, and links to other sites for additional help:
It’s important to acknowledge your feelings. Guilt, frustration, resentment are natural emotions to experience when the demands of caring for an aging parent consume you. Take a deep breath. And remember, don’t neglect your own needs—or the needs of your family—when caring for a parent.
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